Anywhere But Here

My dream, since about the seventh grade, was to move out of my small town. I love going on vacation, because I love knowing that there is more to life beyond my minute community, in the foothills of North Carolina. The funny thing is, we all kind of grow up in these small communities, aching to be away from wherever that is, with the hope of something new. It wasn't until I stepped outside of the bubble of the confines of my North Carolina town, that I began to realize what the world really was & the honest side of often counterfeit humanity.

After losing my sense of innocence in terms of what society was, I continued to have this drive within me to run and run fast. Oftentimes, that running was me avoiding a lot of issues sitting right in front of my face. I don't know everything, and I never will, but now that I have a stronger grip on how to face things audaciously, I want to run so far away from this place.

I, along with others, have this unique experience of knowing that life is both wretched and beautiful all together. I guess somewhere within me, I assumed that everyone else also knew this to be true. I was under the impression that sure, life does exist here, but there is so much more to it. Allowing myself to accept the reality that others' lives exist here (my small town) and always have and always will was at times a daunting task because it was something that was so very foreign to me. Both of my older siblings moved out after graduation because they began college and then moved on to start lives of their own. Additional to my unique experiences of life beyond here, I had mounds of wisdom bestowed upon from people that I love the most.

I have a tendency to rearrange my room when I am feeling anxious. Just a mere few months before I was hospitalized I had rearranged, redecorated, and cleaned out my room for probably the third or fourth time that year. It isn't a deadset date that I do it every year, but usually, when life is suffocating me, I find solace in the idea that I do have control over at least one thing -- my own space. My walls are covered in art, posters, photos. I have two dressers holding my knickknacks, a bookshelf full of books and journals, and I don't even want to mention the random things I find in my closet all of the time. I am a bit of a hoarder because I love sentimental things. That t-shirt I haven't worn since I was in the fourth grade? I am keeping it because it has memories. The stuffed animal that is literally socks full of beans that my sister made when I was little? I will treasure it forever. Cleaning out for me is more or less just putting things neatly back into their place. Crazy, I know.

I was on the call with my therapist last Monday when I realized that I can only change the posters and clean my room out so many times before it doesn't give the "fix" anymore. I guess that I could have worse coping mechanisms, but it really pisses me off so much that no matter how many times I take it upon myself to move and change things, the memories of everything else are still there. I want to run away from my small town so I don't have to pass the hospital where I was first admitted. I want to run away from my small town so when I walk through the doors of my church, it does not feel like a bright sign is hanging over my head. I want to run away from my small town, so I do not have to see the high school parking lot where I cried for over an hour one summer night as I came to the realization that I was so very alone. I want to run away from my small town because I know that I cannot proceed forward with healing in the same locations that I was most broken.

I believe, that as a Believer in Jesus Christ and in the truth of what the Gospel says, I will always have a heart that really longs for more because I am aware of the promise of eternity in Heaven. Ecclesiastes is a good measure of what life on earth really measures up to. Ecclesiastes 1:9-11 says:

lWhat has been is what will be,

and what has been done is what will be done,

and there is nothing new under the sun.

10 Is there a thing of which it is said,

“See, this is new”?

It has been already

in the ages before us.

11 There is no remembrance of former things,4

nor will there be any remembrance

of later things5 yet to be

among those who come after.

I believe that this scripture was written as a warning to believers in being sure that our hope is not found in things that are of the world. My brother repeatedly has made the comment that if you were living for anything other than Christ prior to the start of COVID, then there's a chance that it has been stripped of you. Even more than that, I think it is why my heart longs so deeply for something of an anomaly to happen so I don't have to be in my small town. I have noticed the ways in which I do inhibit a bit more self-awareness than others. I still haven't decided if that is a good or bad thing, but I do know for sure that it is the reason I have come to uncover that life away from the jagged edges of this small town is so much greater.

Nonetheless, the reality is that the Lord has placed me right where I belong even during all of the times I have ached to start fresh. Even in the midst of these seasons of loneliness, I have felt the Lord's arms around me. I seem to have found myself in another season of that lonely. It doesn't seem as permanent or overwhelming as the last, but I can see the ways in which the ceilings tiles seem to be falling in and it is just me here in the middle of an empty room. I really look forward to the day I won’t feel such pain in places that once felt like home for me.

At one point, it felt like I was holding a grudge & maybe I am, but I learned that forgiveness takes time and it takes work. When we tend to hold grudges against people, things, or situations, it is because we haven’t had and/or given ourselves the chance to experience something away from that. It is hard to heal in the same places that broke you so long ago. It takes more than you changing your room or making new friends to realize that there is still some hurt under the surface of things we thought we had forgotten.

I pray, genuinely, for an opportunity to find my people. I have met some of them already. I know the rest are out there. I pray for the opportunities to find my place in the world, while still seeking the promises and mercy of Jesus Christ. I want to be the best version of myself, but I can’t expect for that to happen if I am still sitting and dwelling within the small corners of my town and my room, unable to give myself the courage to move forward.

I can’t heal here in these pits that caused me all this brokenness. Lord, lead me to the places and people meant for me.

Emma