The Last of the Last

Do you ever make it to something you've been waiting for and it all feels like a dream? Christmas morning. Vacations. Birthdays. Anniversaries. Concerts. The last, last time.

I have walked the halls of public school since I was four. I met my life-long friend in first grade. I discovered my love for writing in the eighth grade. I have dreamed and wished and imagined what high school was going to be like since the fifth grade. I have wept in the school bathrooms, I have danced down the hallways, I have come early and stayed late -- I have centered so much of my life around waking up at 6:30 a.m., spending summers off, & refreshing my PowerSchool app. Today, that chapter finally closes for me.

It was hard to imagine this moment of my life. I was clouded by the things I was unable to control. Over the last 14 months, there were many mornings it took everything in me to get out of bed and be prepared. I sobbed many days, left early, or didn't go at all because sometimes the weight was too much. I have sent countless emails asking for grace. I have missed more school in the last year and a half than I have in my whole career. High school has been a haven of sadness for me, a dungeon of dread, a fearful retreat that felt like a nightmare I'd never wake up from. It isn't high school itself, but rather what I was dealing with -- what I am dealing with. I made the decision in the spring to graduate early because I needed an escape from the cinderblock walls and classrooms that feel like a crisis for me.

Today is my last day of high school, for the rest of my life. I will close this chapter of my story and I don't plan on returning for a multitude of reasons. I like to think that it is all bad, but there are a lot of good things I do remember. Like, the spirit weeks, early morning coffee runs, golf seasons, classrooms that felt like home, buying school supplies, bad school lunch, dropping coffee in my locker, speeding back & forth from across the street, crying in the freshman academy bathroom, stamping yearbook order envelopes, arguing in Civics class, failing my math tests, singing Justin Bieber in art class, hiding in the closet and calling my mom, inviting people to church events, going to baseball games for the boys, making neurotransmitters out of candy, prom, going to the musicals, and other things that make high school high school.

Moving on and letting go is difficult for me, but I have been slowly letting go of this over the last few months. High school has been fun, but just like other students my age, it has been hard. After March of 2020, when we were sent home because of COVID, I remember thinking that school would be a walk in the park. It was more of a slap in the face. I felt bombarded with being forced to grow up fast. I knew that eventually, I would have to meet reality head-on, but I hoped that it would never come so soon. High school has been four of the hardest years of my life so far.

But today, it is over.

There is a lot to take in. I was afraid today was going to be hard. I was worried that it would be filled with sadness. Instead, it has been full of joy. It has been comforting. It has been a sweet reminder of God using brokenness for His good. It is proof of the Lord's mercy in the midst of mourning. I have seen the goodness of the Lord, here in the land of the living.

I have said my goodbyes and my thank yous. I have hugged many necks and made promises to keep in touch. I have found that perhaps the Lord doesn't forget you even when the horizon seems far or uncertain or even when you can't see it at all.

Long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you, And bring on all the pretenders, one day we will be remembered.

Em