Sadness does not begin to describe how I feel today.
Weighed down. Worthless. Alone. Woebegone. Drained. Clouded. Dark.
If I’m having a bad day, it usually doesn’t begin until a few hours of the day have already started; but today presented a different case — I woke up feeling exponentially dreadful.
Yesterday wasn’t an exceptional day, but it wasn’t a bad day either. It was just a Monday. However, when my boyfriend and I started arguing over something so seemingly stupid, that then snowballed into a raging argument, my mind began to race about how I was really feeling all day. Happy wasn’t the right word. Something more like bleak or boring.
To clear the air: my sadness today was not due to the argument between my boyfriend and I. I don’t expect everything to always be sunshine and roses. We all have bad days. But I so badly wanted it to be. This dumb argument that doesn’t mean much in the grand scheme of things — I wanted it to be the pinnacle of my melancholy feelings and tired mind.
I boohooed in the bathroom this morning, sobbed, cried, aching for just once to not have to fight. I began to feel overwhelmingly hopeless — overwhelmingly afraid of what I would do. When situations like these happen, my brain gets very cloudy and the substance of my discernment very thin. It feels much like an out of body experience where I am the puppet and depression is my puppeteer. Sadness seemed to be the only emotion I was able to identify with, but it was so much more than sadness.
I needed to take a shower, but the voices in my head were reminding me of my inability to keep myself safe. No thought was intrusive, but these familiar foes were the last thing I was willing to deal with. I showered in my parents room while my mom and dog sat on my parents bed. I was able to do my own thing, but everything seemed to be inescapable in those moments. My long term friend named fear was holding on too tight.
I was able to make it through the day, and it is almost the end; so, my hope is soon to sleep and move past this mountain of a 24 hours. This isn’t the first time this has happened, but this time seemed to be incredibly more treacherous than the other episodes. Sure, nothing beats being hospitalized, but that was intended to be the worst of the worst for me.
It has been a while since I have felt as worthless as I have today. Even when countering my mindset, the monsters inside my brain were swallowing every sample of joy I could find along the aisles of the world. These feelings are so exhausting.
While getting ready, I saw the verse Psalm 21:13-14 that says: “I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!” I don’t think this was any accident, because at this same point the song “Tremble” by Mosaic MSC popped into my head and it says:
Your name is a light that the shadows can’t deny,
Your name cannot be overcome
Even with these unrelenting shadows seeming to bury me under the weight of the pain of mortal sadness and earthly suffering, the very name of Jesus was sheltering me. The entirety of Heaven is on my side. My Mimi is watching each step I take toward the Light of my Savior. There is hope and worth in Christ, there is freedom, and there is strength.
I haven’t felt this weak in so long. I hope tomorrow presents a more glorious gift of peace and joy within these sufferings. I’m fighting even while dragging my feet across the jagged soil. I will see these promises fulfilled. I will be okay.
Tomorrow is calling for me, and I must answer.
- Emma