i’ve typed and retyped this intro, trying to really make sense of a lot of my feelings, emotions, thoughts, knowledge. nothing has seemed to weave together in the comfortable manner i was looking for. i could give an anecdote thats relatable. i could start out with an overarching theme. i could be brutally honest.
i’ve chosen the latter because that seems inherently more fitting than any of the rest. there are times when i’m writing & adding fluff to the start of any piece seems easier than being honest. there are other situations that what i feel is so raw, there is no choice but to be blatantly honest about my brain’s thought process. it often is messy, jumbled, confusing — but it is me. so, i try to be as honest here as possible because i value the reality of situations. there is little to no need for me to sugar coat that depression is kicking my butt a lot of the time. these past few weeks have been just that: a TKO from depression.
i’m slowly coming to the realization that i dislike summertime. i’m not a fan of hot weather — would much rather be cold. i feel in a bit of a disarray because there’s no constant schedule to keep me grounded & we all know i won’t keep one. it makes me feel pressured to do fun things, be 100% happy 100% of the time, and wear bright colored clothes when i don’t want to. i think for most of my life summer represented a breath of fresh air. i could do fun things, be happy, and sleep in. a lot of that has changed as i grow up.
since last summer was so terribly awful, summer in my mind was not something i wanted to be part of. when i think of summer, i think of sadness. every moment prior to summer i had already acknowledged and reframed with a new perspective. i made it through a golf season, when golf was my enemy for a long time. i finished the school year, even though those moments had made me feel the least like myself. i cleaned out, cleaned up, and removed things & people when i realized that there was nothing left for me to hold on to. i’ve spent the past ten months accepting and redrawing the world around me. summer was the thing i had pushed to the very back, secretly hoping that it would never rear its ugly head.
unfortunately, it showed up & showed up with what felt a lot like a suffocating vengeance in the form of 90 degree weather & clothes that don’t fit. i have spent *about* two weeks finally settling down back to earth, slowly realizing that i am struggling & struggling big time.
i hate summertime because to me it is sadness even when the sun is shining. it has to be the most guilty feeling, too.
as humans, we have expectations for everything. high or low, small or large, we each paint a mural in our minds as to what things are supposed to look like. it then makes our sense of reality so distorted that we can’t even begin to bring ourselves to the idea that it is OK for things to change. i’m just as guilty as anyone, because i’ve spent many of the past few weeks being slapped in the face by the truth of many situations.
while it’s okay to not understand the changing current of the world around us, it isn’t something that should be a shock to anyone. furthermore, why do we begin to consume ourselves with the inconsistency of man if we know that sinful realities will be the answer every single time?
one of my favorite books of the Bible is Matthew because i love the parables. they become moments where i can identify myself with what Jesus is saying, but i can also see evidence of these things within the world around me. the parable of the sower is the one that always comes to mind. the seeds are thrown on three different types of soil, all bear what is expected of that soil.
i identify more with the seed than the sower in this parable. there are multiple instances where i find myself being thrown into these awkward soils that i can’t take root in solely because what i’m trying to ground myself in is selfish, sinking, and not worthwhile. i cant bear worthy fruit if my soul isn’t first rooted in rich, nutrient soil.
i’ve been grounding my seeds of hate, and anger, and confusion in the rocky soil because i don’t want to take the time to find better “Soil.” i don’t want to acknowledge that these things will begin to grow even if it doesn’t seem like where they’ve been planted is fruitful. it’s much easier to hate these seasons than it is to ask to be used through them.
i had hit a high for a long time. i’m slowly coming back down and it’s hard to understand. i want to feel that way all of the time because it feels natural. there was a point in my life where my brain did feel that way most of the time. beginning to understand that my brain is a complex item and it will change over time, is not an easy task. i began to plant my seeds in selfish ways, because i wanted to continue to bear the fruit of my own feelings & the less sweet fruit of what i can still have fleshly control over. the sad truth is: that fruit is much more bitter than it seems.
if i’m not bearing Christ centered fruit, i have no reason to pursue a Christ centered soil, because flesh desires are so much more natural for our humans hands to take hold on. it is when we stand up to the monster that is selfishness and accept that we have to make the change in order for it to become. furthermore, flesh desires will not satisfy our wilting hearts.
i’m finding the right Soil, even if it takes slowly falling for me to acknowledge the better Gardener. God never promised that we would live still lives, full of quiet seasons; but, He did promise that our tumultuous seasons will never be wasted.
i keep hoping that i will have the right words to give a more positive spin as i typically do at the end of my posts. i haven’t exactly found those words, because i’m needing to be honest with myself while also giving myself grace. those are difficult things to allow to coexist.
maybe at some point i will not hate summer so much. maybe i will. i don’t really know. what i do know is i have the better Soil available & i should take advantage of it. while i don’t always get necessarily pick where God chooses to place me, i do have the choice in where i solidify myself.
the first step to receiving help is admitting that you need it. i need help right now & i have the greatest Guide there to lead the way. and so, we move forward still. i will be better soon, and if not soon, then in due time, because perhaps i was made for such a time as this.
-emma