There has been a lot of growing talk about not only mental health, but also hospitalization among teenagers and young adults as we continue to tackle transitioning back to normalcy amidst a mental health catastrophe. Before I was hospitalized myself, I really had never heard of such. I knew that people could be sent to facilities, I knew somewhat of psych wards because of movies and other exposure to media; but, I never knew the honest reality about it until I was faced with the experience myself.
Sometimes I feel annoying because I feel as if I talk a lot about my hospitalization. Truthfully, however, it is hard not to because that is where everything began. If I hadn’t been hospitalized when I was, I am not so sure that I would be where I am and be doing what I am doing. A lot of what I write about it seems somewhat ”fluffy” or puffed up because it has taken me a hot minute to feel comfortable with telling people about being at the hospital. Now let me add: nothing illegal or inappropriate happened to me, but there was much more to it than just group therapy and medication distribution.
The thing with the average person being hospitalized (speaking mostly about teen to young adult age) is that we are sent to public facilities. There is little to compare this to other than something of a jail or a prison in terms of what you face with others here. Former convicts have such a large turn around right back into prison, that their time spent actually in world beyond those prison walls is limited. This is due in partly to the lack of help and guidance once the individuals leave the facility.
This exact same thing happens with mental health facilities.
When I got put into the hospital, I was one of the only ones who had never been in a facility before. Many of these kids were “previous offenders,” meaning that they had either attempted again, gotten into legal trouble, faced drug or sexual abuse, ran away, etc. etc. The sad reality of this is I am not only around kids just like this every single day, but some of these kids will face this for the rest of their lives.
Much of my healing after being hospitalized was due to my own efforts. I don’t say that to brag, but rather to give you insight. I have a wonderful support system, who has carried me and helped me battle this problem. Hospitalization is a last resort for most people ad so noting that being in the hospital is a common thing for people my age is proof that what happens in the hospital isn’t really an overly beneficial thing for children or people.
You don’t do a lot to really help yourself when you are there. I learned so much about the world, sex, drugs, identity, and feelings that I think that was really what healed me more than anything. I learned a lot about other people and the ways that they didn’t want to be treated. None of this could have happened through group therapy. I spent 95% of my time in the hospital watching tv, eating, or sitting on the floor learning about people who were vastly different than I am. The amount of group therapy I did was limited, and the only genuine concern for me came from my psychiatrist who was prescribing my medicine and one of the nurses I grew close to because I could tell that he wanted the best for us.
I believe that part of the problem that is stemming in these facilities is that they are being overfilled. We are in a serious mental health crisis and kids who need help, that are being sent to places meant to “help,” are just in turn being harmed more because no one knows what to do. While I was there, kids my age were encountering such heavier issues beyond just wanting to commit suicide that adults don’t really know what to do. Some of these things can’t change because these children are being thrust into homes full of brokenness. Furthermore, hospitals will not be the healing places for these sort of situations. Inevitably, a lot of what these kids will face cannot be changed or prevented, but they often only know a life full of scrubs, grippy socks, and hospital food — that isn’t a life anyone should have to continually be part of.
I would never wish hospitalization on literally anyone ever. In the moment, it was what I needed, but it has scared me so much since I left that sheer fear is what is driving me to not be back there. The hospital was not the reason that I got better. I never allow it the credit of being a saving grace or something overly beneficial for me. When I first arrived, I literally sat in a room full of middle school kids and did nothing. For the next seven days, I was on the same routine, where half of my days were spent in the Day Room where we watched TV and mulled over the reality that we so desperately wanted to leave. I felt as if I was in a nursery most days because I was never actually talking about these things that were bottled inside of me. The only time I really remember being in a group setting and talking about them was the fourth or fifth day I was there and we were all given cards with different scenarios. We talked about them out loud and it was the first time that I was aware of the demons these kids were facing. I came to the realization then that we were all so different and yet we were the same under the surface.
I guess, really, what I am getting at is: hospitalization doesn’t do the trick that people think it does. The reason it helped me is because I have a support system that is helpful because it is stemming directly from the walls of my home. Do you think that the hospital followed up to check on progress after I was discharged? No. They recommend a psychiatrist to manage my medication and sent me home with what felt like more baggage than what I had come in with. I realize that being hospitalized is a last resort for most, but it shouldn’t ever have to be something that people are forced to return to because society is just so unwilling to address the things that are happening among teenagers and their lives.
I have often teetered back and forth about really just how honest I would be about my hospitalization. I think my parents kind of got that memo when I was vulnerable about how afraid I was of going back, but I don’t think that anyone has ever heard the part of the brokenness it created for me. I wanted so bad to help these kids because they expressed what they were returning to and it hurt me so bad. Obviously healing is a choice, but some of these kids I ached for because they deserved to be heard and seen and that was not happening in the hospital. Occasionally, I recall the kid who was sitting in the Day Room, crying because they were sending him to rehab for drug abuse. I remember him vividly telling the nurse: “He doesn’t understand that it’s so much more than that. I just want someone to care about me. No one here cares to hear what I have to say,” I think about him a lot because I wasn’t facing the same thing he was, but I felt the way he did.
Treatment is different for everyone. If you had a better experience with it, then I am thankful that it helped you. There are a lot of people who have the chance to go to private facilities or nicer, more expensive hospitals. Unfortunately, the reality of this is that this is such a rare occurrence. Hospitals are seeing increased numbers in behavioral issues and facilities are being slammed full which means no one is really getting the help that they deserve. A lot of this does start at home and my heart breaks for those who do not have healthy living situations. However, where we are hurting kids most is the unwillingness for higher officials over public school systems to see that kids are hurting and they need help. I finish school in a little less than three weeks and I have never seen, heard, or felt such solemn feelings as I do when I come to school. It is tiring. It is overwhelming. Those with “power” are trying to ensure that it is normal and that school has been normal for the last two years when all it has been is a living hell. We are tired of being treated like guinea pigs. Teachers are exhausted because kids are broken. But no one is listening.
With the thought in mind that we can’t change the living situations kids go home to, we need to put aside grades, and testing, and ensuring they are on varsity to genuinely help kids learn how to exist properly again. I know that sounds drastic, but do you know how difficult it has been to be a teenager and do things normal in high school lately? I have never been so apt to sleep at school. I have never struggled with doing school work. I have always been a high achiever and advance child. If someone like I am is struggling as much as I have, imagine how kids who require more attention are hurting. We deserve better than what we have been given & we deserve for attention to begin before we are on hospital beds, aching to be released from the weight of depression and loneliness.
I do not have the panacea for this time in our lives. I simply cannot understand how anyone sees what is happening in public schools at all levels and say that it is okay. And I don’t see how you can look at the nation and think the same thing. Opioid deaths have reached an all-time high in the US. Suicidal ideation has increased by almost 15% over the last year among children and young adults. We are facing such a surge in resignation because no one has had time to process the pain they have felt. In all 50 states, only about three to four of them actually have viable and effective access to mental health treatment. People need help.
I am just one among a few. I have tried and continue to try and make my voice heard, but it also requires you. Please reach out. Please speak up. Take care of people. Take the time off if you need it. Protest and scream until your lungs hurt. Do not let your pain go unnoticed and do not be afraid to stand up for yourself. I am determined for someone to hear. I hope that Roy Cooper is the first, actually.
Emma