[ i’m writing this one from my phone because i’m too comfortable to get up from bed. ]
have you ever made a decision that is the right one, but it hurts so bad?
maybe you chose not to go to the event and seeing all of your friends there hurts. perhaps you cut out caffeine and you are facing physical pain because of it. maybe you’re walking while everyone else is stationary and you’re scared, hurt.
i came to the conclusion that there was too much of my love being shoveled to one person, that i had left myself in the dust. while our decision was essentially mutual, it hurts so bad.
through this entire process of recovery, my number one goal was figuring out how to take care of myself. i have found that not taking care of myself is the beginning stages of a depressive episode, and it will submerge the rest of my life if i’m not careful.
turns out: it did and now i’m left to deal with what i have created.
i tend to feel the same emotions over and over again because they are constant struggles. but, i feel an actual bone nauseating sadness that is plaguing everything.
my attitude is dreary. my head hurts because i’m focusing too much on what has happened. i haven’t eaten much because sadness has clogged my throat.
i have been dealing with depression for around four years now — but never a broken heart and depression. they’re a killer combo.
we were sitting in the car with our tear drenched faces touching. the only thing i could seem to do was cry. the right choice hurts so bad.
i just truthfully am not in a position to be that person for him right now, and that is okay. i’ve never believed in the idea that “you can’t love someone until you love yourself,” but it’s true. not loving yourself does not mean you’re unworthy of being loved. but you cannot expect to shower love on another person if you can’t even show that love to yourself. sometimes being selfish is okay.
i do not love myself and i haven’t for a long time now. i hate that i am the child with the issues. i hate that i push people away. i hate the way my stomach pokes out. i hate that i hate myself.
what he taught me is that i should love these things, though, because they are what make me Emma. i don’t have to love that i have depression, but i can love what it’s taught me. i don’t have to love that i shut people out, but i can love that i’m willing to give second chances and so on and so forth.
i think we always expect to be happy about making the right decisions. we expect to be satisfied with what we knew was the correct choice, because if it’s right then aren’t we inherently good people?
God has proven to us time and time again that being “good” and making the right decisions will not cover our sin stained souls. furthermore, He loves us far too much for us to choose to hate ourselves. i speak this from third person perspective; but, i am saying it to myself, too.
i do not love myself, but i will and i’m going to make sure i do. he doesn’t love himself, but he will and i’ll make sure he does.
the right choice does not mean the easy one. i have feared putting myself first ever because i’ve been told that was rude. but some situations require that you take the leap to put yourself first in order to be the person you need to be for other people.
the right choice does not mean pain won’t occur. i’m thoroughly sad at the moment and i don’t know how long it will last. heartbreak is tough even if it is something you both agree on. we never want the other person to be sad, but we have to understand that there are scenarios that being apart is much more healthy than being together.
i know that what we decided was right, but my little heart is going to hurt for awhile and i think that’s okay. i want to be a better person, not because someone wants me to — but because i need to for myself.
love doesn’t have to exist only when you’re together. it can exist while apart and i think that it will because even right choices don’t have to erase the facts of your feelings.
we have to be our own people before we can be each other’s and i believe that is okay...no matter how much it hurts.
- Emma