I think that it is easy to assume that when people attest to loving us that they will not be the same people behind our pain. I've always been told that love hurts, but I was never expecting it to be so gut-wrenching.
I am loyal to people, oftentimes to a fault. I do not believe that I do it to be clingy and or stay when things aren't for me, but rather because I want others to reciprocate that same expression of love. There are people I would cross the ocean for, and it is okay to me that they would never even think of stepping past the puddle. My loyalty to others, however, is what makes these things hurt so much worse.
It was easy to say "never" because a problem wasn't ever presented or esteemed so highly that gave me any reason to believe in a somewhat tragic ending. Romantically or platonically, the thought of giving up on people is something I have often refused to accept. I struggle with the concept that things or people are often for seasons and not the entire story.
This eternal loyalty I feel the need to manifest is what becomes the common denominator in feeling expendable to others. I never really understood this until I watched people come and go when they pleased, and tread on me as they were wanting. There have been situations where I feel more like Stretch Armstrong than I feel like Emma -- pulled and used as they want to.
I had mascara-colored tears running down my face and neck when my mom told me boldly: "You are not expendable," I have always known this to be true, but actually having someone say that to you is when you begin to believe it for yourself.
Although I am intolerant, I find myself overcompensating for people who do not deserve my understanding. The difficult part, I think, is the balance of knowing when and at what point is it okay to stop giving people grace? I don't think that necessarily means that we have to stop being kind or compassionate to those around us, but we are all still human and repeatedly letting people throw shots at us is not a healthy way to live. I try not to be so easy for people to pull me, but it is a hard thing to approach.
I placed myself in the position to still wear the same title I had been wearing even though the roles were meant to change. I was holding on to something that was long gone. I was being expendable because I wanted things to be better eventually. Knowing that we were all intending different outcomes is what makes my heart hurt. It is what gives me the reason to never expect that just because someone loves us does it mean they can't also be the reason we feel so very useless.
Truthfully, this was never what I was imagining things to become. I try my best to love people right where they are and regardless of what they are returning, I want to love them the same. My number one goal in life is to love the same way Jesus does, but He is good and perfect and I am human. This doesn't make me incapable of loving others genuinely; but, where Jesus's love knows no bounds, mine does have points that the line has to be drawn.
Handling depression is a lot by yourself, but it is even more doing it with another person. I have wished so desperately for the stories to be written in the same tune. I have ached in knowing they have seen me and loved me at those low points, but they cannot be here for the highs too. It is in moments like these that I wanted my devout loyalty to be returned.
If I had the chance to paint them back into my Birmingham, I'm sure that I would; but, I am taking this as my call from God to seek His loyalty, grace, and mercy that is eternal. I am deemed worthy by the wounds in Christ's hands and not what the sinful world has to give. Unfortunately, I do expect to continue to be hurt and betrayed by people. That is how humans work and that is the result of a fallen world. It does not give me a reason to stop loving others, though, or stop giving loyalty. (70x7) I am still young, I am still growing -- there is still time for me to foster a healthier attachment and love to things and people.
It is easy for me to say that we should always love people regardless of what is going on because that is what I wish was the simple thing to do. Don't be afraid to put your foot down. Don't be afraid to stand up for yourself. You can be loving and gracious and still tell people no. You can be kind and compassionate and still block things that are toxic for you. It is okay to allow your true personality and a little bit of kick-butt to coexist. There are situations in which we are called to do work for the glory of Christ and that can mean Him stripping us of what isn't beneficial for that time in life. We are given tools and tricks for what we need at the moment. Regardless of what we determine is good for us, Christ may provide otherwise.
I want to take this pain of feeling worthless and turn it into motivation to be with Christ, to be with myself, to understand where I am being led. Jesus did not look at the Cross and choose the death I deserve for me to return the pain of being treated like an expendable. If I can remember anything in these moments of pain, it is that the Lord never deems me something that can be pulled back and forth. I am defined as useful, worthy, and priceless. I am not expendable.
I saw a sign the other day that said: 'We won't realize God is all we need until we learn that God is all we have,' People and feelings change. Love may not be as unconditional as it seems. We lose the things we never anticipated to let go of. Life is inconsistent. Above these sinking waters, we know that the Lord stands as a stronghold. He does not change. He does love unconditionally. He is the one thing we can be sure will never let us go.
This loyalty does hurt. My love has changed. But I will not sit back and be treated as expendable, disposable, or conventional. I will not continue to hurt just because I am unwilling to take up for myself. I will not let people do what they want because I assume that they still love me. We're taught to give grace but also taught to be strong and courageous. I expect to be treated the same way God has defined me to be.
Onward and upward.
Em