If I had one word to describe my life this year, it would be “lonely.” I don‘t think there has ever really been a point in my life where I have felt so outcasted from the rest of my small town. I know, I know, so angsty teen of me, but it is the honest truth. Whether it be purposely or subliminally, I have noticed people who feel very weary toward me or just generally do not like me for whatever reason. My mom has continually reassured me that my feeling of loneliness will not be forever. While I know this to be true, it is hard walking into school for only two days of the week and knowing that you don’t belong. Between snarky comments people think I don’t hear & just the obvious being left out, I have spent many days aching to be home with my mom and dad watching the First 48.
I think the reason these feelings hurt so much is because I have never really been the girl who was by herself. I am very outgoing, I love meeting new people, I feel as if I am easy to talk to. But ever since my birthday, really, I have found myself slowly retreating from these traits. I still enjoy meeting new people, I still enjoy talking as much as possible, but I have noticed where my personality has had major changes just in a few short months. As I was talking about these changes with my therapist, huge tears welled up in my eyes because there’s many days I miss the “old Emma.“ Likewise, I have never been one who deals well with change. I remember when both of my parents moved counties to start new jobs. They were both 45 minutes away, and I sobbed walking into school that morning knowing that my life was going to become very different. When my older siblings started college, I walked aimlessly around the house for weeks after trying to make sense of this new normal & the role of being the oldest in the house. After leaving the people I had been friends with for almost five years, I slept in my bed for weeks trying to understand this choice and asking God where I should put my effort. So, between much change over the past year & obviously a lot of new, the one thing that has remained is that gloomy feeling of loneliness.
In my efforts to make sure no one else feels that way, I have often poured into others that didn’t always pour back. I try to sit with people who are by themself, I reach out to those who seem like they need it, I try so hard to just love others for who they are and yet it still leaves me with this giant hole in my heart because I have yet to really find out where I fit. Lonely is the constant feeling I can’t really seem to erase. This feeling swallows me whole most days. When you are not like everyone else, people do their best to make it known. However, I have gathered a lot of intellect from being separated from my peers.
The story that hasn’t left my thoughts is the part in in Matthew 9 where Jesus sits with the tax collectors. Jesus goes on to tell the Pharisees that he hasn’t come for the righteous but for the sinners. Jesus Christ came as fully man and fully God knowing that He would face people that would never pour back into Him. He never complained. Jesus was different & stood out to others around Him, yet He never let this stop Him from pursuing the ultimate goal and will of God. I am not Jesus, but I am the tax collector. I don’t think that I am vile and cruel, but I am so in need of a Savior. I don’t tarnish people or trick them, but I know that people do not “sit” with me because of the reputation I have chosen to pursue. When you are different, and that difference is found within who Jesus Christ is, it is OK to be separate from those who choose to live a worldly life.
At the start of 2020, I asked God to rid me of people who didn’t push me to pursue my ultimate goal which is furthering the Kingdom of Christ. He has proven Himself faithful once again, and I lost many friends, peers, and acquaintances because of this plea. After being home from the hospital, I asked God to rid me of people who didn’t make me feel like myself and who, once again, didn’t push me to pursue furthering the Kingdom of Christ. Just like before, God has removed, replaced, and taught me much about people who are on your team and people who just want to be when it is the “cool” thing to do. I still feel lonely because there are some Friday nights that I don’t want to eat Ramen and watch Andy Griffith reruns with my parents. But, I remind myself that I am right where I need to be. Although not all of my friends are always right in front of me or continually in my business like my life had been for so long, I know that the people who are here with me are the people who I need the most.
Loneliness does not ever really go away, but it does change. These lonely feelings I feel during this season were not the ones I felt during July, August, and September. For those of you who I left behind so long ago: thank you for showing me that we don’t always have to hold onto people just because we have history, and thank you for being the people I needed at that time in my life. You painted much of the mosaic that is me, and while there are moments I miss that version of myself, I am thankful that you all broke me so I had the power to rebuild into a better version of who I am. To those of you who have met me after the fact or even chosen to change with me: I could never repay you enough.
My birthday is in about two weeks. I have a lot of fear because this year was not exactly what I was expecting it to be. But just as He has provided and taken care of me these past almost 365 days, I have zero doubt that this year will be something short of glory for the Lord.
- Emma