It's OK To Be Angry

Experts say that a human goes through five different stages while grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

I am grieving the reality of what life could be. I am in denial that I ever actually wanted this to be different. I am angry that I have let people go, and pushed others out. I am bargaining with myself to see if maybe there is a way I could reverse the present. I am in a state of depression knowing that this illness is "terminal." I am accepting that reality is just this.

Healing from anything doesn't ensure a straight shot to "better." If I have learned anything over the last 365 days, it is that the entirety of life is made of separate marathons that all lead to your destination. Whether it is healing a broken heart, adapting to new beginnings, or accepting what happened, nothing can be done in an overnight fix. We all must run the race.

In my race to understand this monster of depression, I have danced back and forth between Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance. I feel as if I have bargained with Christ, asking Him to remove this beast and when He does then I will do all that is asked of me. I have danced in the joys of acceptance, finding a seat close to the feet of Jesus, and praised Him for the bottoms of the valley because they got me here. More recently, I have built up a lot of anger, not specifically toward God, but rather toward the circumstances of life in which there was nothing left for me to do but handle whatever was right in front of me.

If anything, I have learned that these woes were temporary, that it is okay for me to be angry about my circumstances, but most importantly that God can handle my anger.

Job represents the most beautiful picture of God's ability to take care of our anger. Job was wealthy and religious. He did what was asked of him, he was gracious in giving, and he feared God. In every battle given to him, he went authentically to the Lord, never withholding his true feelings. I can identify with the way Job was feeling about not only God, but the things Satan was doing to bother him.

I believe that people always reference him when you're going through a tough season because they choose to see what Job lost and the grief he battled. I've never had anyone actually walk me through his story to show me that he was shamelessly honest with God about his feelings. Through chapters six and seven, Job pleads with the Lord to release him of this hopeless life. He states that "...the arrows of the Almighty are in me; my spirit drinks their poison;..." My favorite part is in chapter seven, verse three, where he says: "so I am allotted months of emptiness, and nights of misery are apportioned to me." Talk about a verse of scripture that I see myself in -- it is definitely this one.

I keep imagining my life to be very different. Part of me understands that handling depression will always be a task I have to face. But there is that portion of my heart that wonders what life would be like if I were different. I think that we so badly want God to remove these battles that we begin to lose sight of the reality that it has already been won. It may take years of me droning on to see that God is handling it perfectly, or maybe I will wake up tomorrow and notice. Regardless, both of these feelings are perfectly OK to be felt. So often do we fall victim to the ideals of society, and we cower at the mention of ever being angry with our circumstances.

As a woman especially, anger is not a value of a true lady. If someone hurts your feelings, you are to apologize. If they call you inappropriate names or mock you in front of others, just ignore it because it means they like you. First, none of this is true. Second, you need to be angry. My parents have taught us to always stand up for ourselves and more recently, my dad has encouraged my anger about the hardships because that is what gives you drive and motivation. Anger is what builds resilience. It is what gives me the drive to fight every single day. I admire my dad for many reasons, but especially because he is never afraid to be angry. He spent almost four years trying to get the head principal's position. Every setback was the step to something greater. He would come home angry, yet he never stopped fighting. My dad taught me that when we lose, we do not wallow in our darkness. We fight and we fight with grit.

If you read any sort of biography or research someone famous, you will learn that anger is the fuel behind a lot of successful people's stories. Anger is the reason I choose to keep waking up. Anger is what gives me the strength to withstand the hard days. Anger is the very thing that pushed Jesus to overturn the tables in the temple. Anger is what pushed Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego to stand up on behalf of the True King. Anger is what motivated Job to stand tall against satan and remind him that the Redeemer lives. Anger is the test of your strength in Christ because it is what determines if you turn from or turn to Christ.

While reading through the book of Job I have learned that even when the waves of demise are drowning you, never forget the power of Christ in you. It is alright to go through each stage of grieving repeatedly, but never stop seeking the answers in the Lord's righteousness. He gives us the power of free will, but do not mistake this with the right to question who He is. The exact same God who put you in this furnace will be the One standing in it with you. He is the God of the valley and the God of the mountain top. Do not stop running at Him.

My youth pastor said the other day during his sermon that when we live our lives in constant states of "if only...," we rob God of his capability and careful planning for our lives. I could grieve the idea of life being different, or I could accept that it is all happening in due time. I am allowed to be angry and still be accepting of this battle I have been given to fight. Never once did Christ promise that this life would be easy, but He did promise that our life would be worth it.

Knowing that God uses the broken, seemingly worthless, and hurting people gives hope for how He has and will use me. Just like Job, like David, like Jeremiah, my hope is that I would be able to run vulnerably and audaciously to Christ. Even in the midst of my suffering and the earthly reasons as to why I deserve healing, I see the Warrior in me. I'm not sure how long this anger will manifest. My prayer is that someday soon I would be able to turn it into something more productive. But even if I don't, I know that my God is worthy of worship from the valleys. Angry or not, these battles are won.

"Though He slay me, I will hope in Him; yet I will argue my ways to His face. This will be my salvation, that the godless shall not come before Him."

- Emma