i will eventually quit writing blog posts from my phone, but today is not that day.
it is really easy for me to write only about my difficult days, because that is when i feel the most emotion. sometimes i feel as if what i say is very negative, but i promise that the sun does still shine in my life.
my dog, my family, my boyfriend, my best friends, sarah & madison, music, art, rainy days, coffee, essential oils, good food, love, acceptance, and kind gestures all make me happy. they give me smiles and butterflies. they remind me of the good about life. not that i have to prove myself to anyone, but i wanted to start this rather emotional post by saying that my everyday life is not a ferocious storm.
however, the points where my days dip are difficult pills for me to swallow.
thursday’s are typically not walks in the park for me. i don’t really understand why they have become a beacon of trouble for my week, but they are never easy battles in which i am on the frontlines to fight. for a while, i assumed that i had almost predetermined that thursday would be bad & so i would set myself up ultimately for failure, knowing beforehand that i would not be able to do life peacefully. after my body had gotten out of the rhythm of knowing what day of the week it was, thursday still seemed to creep up and suck life out of me like a blood thirsty tic.
this thursday, in particular, was debilitating. i got emotional and took it out on my boyfriend, because i couldn’t process this seemingly minute problem. i trudged around the house most of the day, very exhausted and melancholy feeling, because i wasn’t in the mood to be social. i decided to go to bed relatively early, only to be met with the demons of self loathing, loneliness, and longing to feel outward pain as a response to these emotions inside me that were swirling around, stealing the small crumbs of happiness i had left.
when this happens, as stated previously here, my wrists will throb excruciatingly. they become so sensitive that touching them sends shivers down my spine. as i have been taught in this season of healing, there are alternatives to self harming and one of them is drawing on your wrists, legs, or other areas that you want to feel pain. i decided to draw on my right wrist and left thigh, because they were both aching so bad. this didn’t help (of course), so i called my mom in there because i was scared. we laid in my bed as she held my wrists and reminded me that the feelings weren’t forever.
if you’ve never experienced this longing to cause harm on yourself, i can understand as to why it’s upsetting or confusing. if i could make it go away, i would. if i had the ability to eliminate the idea of causing myself pain in order to handle inward sadness, i would. to me, self harm is such a complex situation/problem, that i’m not even sure if i completely understand as to why i want to do it.
these situations scare me because in my mind, life is this big circle where i feel the same way at the same point every year. this is how i felt in july of last year, hoping that i would not feel the same way a year later. where i’m not as low as i was and i’m not as afraid as last year, there is no reason for me to still be battling these problems. i feel like i don’t deserve it. i’ve tried so hard this year to eliminate the chance of ever feeling like that season again, and yet it was in the back of my mind this whole time, waiting for me to acknowledge it again. it makes me feel like i’ve given a lot of wasted effort. it makes me feel so scared.
i had reached a point of contentment with where life had planted itself. i was aware that there were some “anniversaries” coming up, but i was under the impression that i had all of the right things to use in my battle. and i did, i still do, but i’m still afraid. i realize that i have made leaps and bounds from where i was in summer of 2020, but there is some point in which i don’t want my summers to be marred by feelings of debilitating depression.
today, at church, our preacher explained to us that God will use us when we are broken. He meets us where we are, because we are His sheep, waiting to be fulfilled by His grace. God provides even when we have little to give (Luke 9:10-13). He is faithful even when we doubt.
i feel very broken in this moment. broken feels wrong to say, though, because it feels more like a fracture. i am this entire clay sculpture, that has been broken and rebuilt numerous times, but that one piece has never seemed to fully mesh back together. it makes me feel as if i am in a constant state of deja vu, because i feel as if my life is a merry go round that i cannot stop enough to discover something else.
i feel very angry about a lot of things. i feel very angry at God, because i just want Him to remove this fractured piece of me. i feel so undeserving of this sickness and yet i still have to carry it. i just for once do not want to have to feel like i’m in a constant battle with my mind. i feel so angry at all of the stuff that reminds me of those feelings. i am so angry that the Lord still has me in this season.
i’d like to say that i can add some sort of positive attitude to show that there’s happiness undoubtedly, because i know of the joy found within Christ and i know of the peace, promise, mercy, and strength i can have in Christ. i understand that i was supposed to be on that cross. i know that i am not this sickness and i am not alone in this fight. i know that He does not waste these sorrows. but, i still ask why because i feel so plagued by my depression.
Jesus is my friend. Highs and lows, i still know His name and i still see the goodness of his grace. i truly covet your prayers and encouragement. i covet love and community during these days because i’m struggling. i know that i state that a lot on here, but i mean it sincerely this time, and with an earnest heart i ask for you to keep me on your mind.
there is a lot of anger and confusion. i believe as if it has always been there, just hidden by other things. i’m hoping that the journey through a frightening forest will be easier to understand and walk than it was so long ago. i’m going to be okay and better and i promise that.
thank you all for being my community in these hard seasons. and thank for you for reading about these scary feelings.
i’m still holding on to the rope.
-emma