To Dylan, the person who is learning to love me even on my weak days.
I typically don’t consider myself to be an overly sappy or cheesy person. My form of affection and admiration is usually peppered with insults, or sarcastic comments. I get it honest because if you know my Dad for even a few minutes, you’ll start to understand what has curated my personality.
I’m not big on romantic movies, unless it’s something from the 80’s because who doesn’t love Molly Ringwald? The few exceptions I have made for “romantic movies” are movies such as: To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before, The Notebook, The Fault In Our Stars (does this one even count?), and of course the cheesy Disney classics. I guess what I am getting at is: cheesy, sappy romance is not my thing. My parents don’t embody sappiness, my sister and her husband don’t. My older brother, though, he is 100% the sappiest even if he never admits it.
In my life, the romantic love around me has never been from words of affirmation, or silly love songs. My mom shows her love for my dad by making his breakfast every morning, and my dad shows my mom he loves her by ironing her clothes. I know my sister loves her husband because she kisses him on the forehead and my sister is not a physical affection type person. My oldest brother is deeply in love with his fiance and I know this because when we moved him into his townhouse, he wanted to wait to buy bath towels just so she could pick them out.
On a more platonic level, or relative love, I know that my sister loves me because she shares music, memes, and movies that make her think of me. I know my little brother loves me because when I am feeling down, or he is worried about me, he asks me questions to get my mind off of things. I know my older brother loves me because he always calls me “Em” and he never forgets to say, “I love you, Em!” before hanging up the phone.
Love has always been all around me. I don’t say this because I want to rub it in people’s faces who aren’t as fortunate. I say it because I am so beyond grateful for family who love just as Christ has loved me and everyone else. My tribe is rare, but I am thankful for them.
This past year has taught me a lot about how people selectively love others. Because we are human, it isn’t our instinct to have unconditional love for those around us. I don’t think we act this way because we are ill-willed toward others, but rather because we don’t know people’s hearts, true intentions, or minds, it is easier to build a wall and burn that bridge. I am guilty of it.
I have thought numerous times that teenage boys (gross, right?) loved me. They said it, so it has to be true right? I wouldn’t say I have faced an overly significant heartbreak. But when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up last year, I was shattered. I thought that it was this magnificent love. I thought that he was my best friend. He clearly didn’t feel the same way. It wasn’t because of anything either of us had done. We just weren’t made for each other and that is OK. Looking back on it, a lot of the feelings I had were depression related. I didn’t realize it at the time.
Since then, I have met and talked to other guys, some of which were genuine and others that I didn’t have much interest in. Most of the summer, and well after I was home from the hospital, there was a guy that I had poured myself into. He had done lot’s of pouring back, as well, but I was so lonely and scared of myself that I had found a lot of comfort in his reassurance and company in general. I shared a lot of my hard feelings with him. We talked a lot about who we used to be, who we wanted to become, and what kept us up at night. He was someone I loved because l had a strange feeling that he loved me back.
After I got home, I knew that I was a different person and I was unsure of where he would fit into my mix at this point. I was reaching for the moments we had prior to being hospitalized. He was anticipating me to be the same person. I stopped answering his texts and calls because I couldn’t bring myself to revisit things I was trying to forget and I was scared of him seeing my true colors. He finally called it quits a little after Halloween. I wasn’t sad or upset. I was hurt because it felt like he was just like everyone else who had left. I think that there were just a lot of unclear labels on who we were for each other. He wanted to be someone who I could love as more than just my friend. I wanted him to be my go-to. It was all too much for the other person.
Through this process of losing one person, I began to see the truth of who I was choosing to be. This whole time I was searching for an understanding of what had happened, wondering why I was the one people had to leave behind. I learned a lot about who God is, about the unconditional love He has for me. I learned that people leaving is not my fault.
At the start of November, about two weeks in, this guy with really curly hair sent me a text over Snapchat, kind of asking me about the things I liked to do, what my schedule was like, where I was from, etc etc etc. I kept my answers pretty brief and dry because I wasn’t interested in him. Nonetheless, he persisted and we went on our first date on November 22nd. The rest is history at this point, and we have been together for almost six months. I know that it probably seems lame, and cookie-cutter for a teenage relationship. But, I have seen this as much more than just a romantic relationship to be a part of.
One of the first times we talked on the phone, I was honest from the start about what had happened, where I was mentally, and kind of what to expect if he wanted things to be more serious. I told him that I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation and self-harm. Without missing a beat, he told me in the most serious tone: “Emma, if you ever feel that way again, please tell me and I will drive to your house to help make you feel better.” That is when I knew that I liked him.
Although it has only been five months since we first got together, he has taught me so much about the art of loving another person. He is one of the most patient people I have ever met and as someone who has paper thin patience, I admire his willingness to give people time and space. He communicates better than any teenage boy I have talked to. If he is having a bad day, we talk about it. If I am bothered by something that is happening, we have an honest conversation about these instances. He loves my family, my family loves him.
I have told him things that scare me, realities I never want to be true, and lies that my brain tends to repeat. I have cried into his shoulder. I have slow danced with him in the park. I have fallen asleep on his chest, beat him in mini golf, and stolen his drinks when I’m thirsty. He has embodied an unconditional love toward me, and I hope that I have done the same for him. He is my best friend, my boyfriend, my dance partner, and my favorite cornhole partner.
I have told him, my mom, and others that I have tried avoiding putting all of my eggs in one basket with him because we are still young and dumb. It isn’t that I don’t want him around forever -- I just fear heartbreak. Truthfully, though, I am OK if we don’t last forever. He has painted a lot of my mosaic because he showed up when I needed someone just like him. I hope that we get married and travel the world together. But even if we don’t, I’ll know that we were meant for each other for even a split second in time. Growing up has always scared me, but if I get to do it with him, I think that it will all be okay.
I believe that the Lord knew exactly what He was doing when He led me to Dylan. We don’t always get along because I am hard headed and Dylan is the more level one. We both have our moments of irrational emotions or thoughts, but we always come back to the point that we are here to help each other. Likewise, I see this within my own family and my small inner circle — God does not call us to carry burdens alone.
People will disappoint and hurt you, but you can never fight alone. I am learning that selectively loving others is OK if you know that showing an unconditional love isn’t going to be healthy for you. Know the difference between people who deserve a spot at your table and who don’t. It has been hard for me to understand that because I just want to love the way Christ has always loved me. I can still do this without giving a 100% to every single person I see. Having boundaries is OK.
The Lord places people in our lives for a specific time. We don’t always understand the meaning behind it, but every single thing that happens is happening for a reason. He is the true meaning of unconditional love, and endless grace. He loved us so much that He gave His only Son for the sake of every person’s sin. The Lord stands with us on the mountaintop, and guides as we trudge through the darkest valley. Ultimately, the only one who can show this unconditional, unfathomable love is Jesus Christ. He displayed it on the Cross, He displays it in our suffering, He displays it in our joy. There is no greater love than His.
Building higher walls, longer tables — it is all nice. But maybe, we should just lend a hand every now and then. It doesn’t mean we have to give every ounce of ourselves to another person. It doesn’t mean that we can’t still be there years later. It just means that love is different for every single person. We are all processing the truth behind these feelings. We are all called to do something different. I still love those people who hurt me because life is too short to hold forever grudges. This doesn’t mean that they are worthy of my energy. But loving others, building respect, shaping maturity — it all takes time.
Loving like Christ is hard because He is good and good is He, and I’m not good because I’m not Him. There are still strides to make, steps to follow, but knowing that I would have the opportunity to even love one person half as much as Christ has is what has kept me going. To love and be loved is my goal. I hope you can say the same.
-Emma