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“Re-Born”

To Madison and our choices to be reborn together.


I got saved when I was seven. I don’t remember the explicit details, but I do remember the immense amount of joy I felt about this moment. I was part of the crowd, I was part of the chosen, I was now a servant of Christ.


As a seven year old, I don’t think I really fully grasped the entire idea. I knew what decision I was making and I believe in my heart of hearts that I trusted Christ in that moment. I have no doubt in my mind that when I professed my faith, that it was genuine. But, as a seven year old, your mind is still so fresh and naive about the reality of the world.


As I have gotten older, I have had a lot of Godly mentors surrounding me, guiding me, and building me up. I have given my testimony more than once at church, I am involved heavily with my youth group, I love missions. I know the Gospel, I have evangelized on the beaches of South Carolina and in the city of Nashville. I have studied and prayed, talked, sang. I have been fostered and brought up in a household that loves the Lord. I have devoted so much of my time being a disciple of Christ. I love Jesus, I love the Church, I love the story of hope.


But a lot of this has changed over the past year and a half.


I have spent a lot of my time questioning my faith in who Jesus Christ is. I have always known that I am saved, because I believe in once saved, always saved. But something has just felt wrong with my feelings and beliefs about the Gospel and the Lord as a whole.


Back in about October, I was sitting in lunch and someone brought up the Bible. Without a single thought, I just started blurting out these questions like who wrote it, where did it come from, what did any of it mean. I don’t really understand what caused me to say any of that. I don’t know why I felt so obliged as to question the Scripture the way I was. That was when I began to feel my mind trickle away.


I was still going to church, trying to be involved, but I just felt this longing for worldly things. Whether or not my parents knew, my language was terrible. I mean absolutely vile. (I can see my older sister’s eyes lighting up at this sentence) I just wanted so badly to belong with someone. I had not been too long removed from being hospitalized, so I went from being around these people who understood me, to being completely alone, not knowing where to turn.


Since then, (so about the fall - November, December-ish) I have been so angry at God. I know that a lot of what I have written has already testified that, along with the results of me letting go of my anger. But, it just all felt like a bad cycle, bad dream that I couldn’t release myself from. I kept thinking that it was just something I would grow out of, or maybe it was something I was psyching myself into. All I have wanted was answers, and nothing that I was receiving was what I wanted to hear.


I don’t feel like I am one to hold on to a grudge for a long time. I mean, am I still mad at the guy who keeps stealing my unofficial, official parking spot? Yes, but when it comes to more emotional and heartfelt things, I try to not be mad for too long, because we don’t know what could happen to one another. This being said, trying to navigate this animosity I have had toward God has not been an easy task.


We had DNow this weekend. It is usually a three day event where we have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to do things. But due to COVID and a few local activities happening, it ended up being just a one day “conference” on Saturday. We had two different speakers: Tim Brady and Clayton King. Tim has spoken at DNow for about three years now. Clayton has spoken at others before I was involved with the youth group. Both are phenomenal and I think that they each did an excellent job of tailoring their messages to teenagers.


Anyway, while we were singing, I kept thinking to myself about how I felt like I couldn’t hear God’s voice, how my heart just felt so hard. When Clayton came up to speak, we started by holding our hands out and praying for God to open our hearts and ears to hear what needed to be said. He went on to preach about the Samaritan woman. Instead of telling the usual story, he structured it to be more of a way we can identify ourselves and our need for a Savior. It was in that moment that I felt God tugging at my heart, that I realized it was time for me to make a change.


He just kept reiterating how freeing yourself to Christ will feel like an actual weight is being lifted from your shoulders. At seven years old, there wasn’t much weight sitting on my chest or shoulders. I believe I was empathetic and compassionate, but I didn’t ever understand the severity of what my brain can do to me.


We had to stand up to show the crowd that we weren’t afraid to tell the world Who’s we were. I stood up, my best friend Madison stood right beside me, and I just felt such immense joy overtake my body at this reality that I am the outcast Jesus decided to love — I am the outcast that Jesus travelled through Samaria to convict, help, lead to eternity.


I “re-dedicated” my life to Christ about two years ago. I don’t know how much weight it really held because not a lot changed after that choice I made. I have felt myself wandering through life since then, somewhat oblivious to the reality I was choosing to live in. Through my battle with depression, I wanted it to be everyone else’s fault because it felt like it was. A lot of what I choose to feel is made by my subconscious effort in refusing to move past the grief of what happened. I know that it won’t always be sunshine and rainbows because that just isn’t a realistic way to live. But, it doesn’t always have to be so down and out. I can be depressed and still have joy knowing that Christ is going to guide me through these waters.


I have been running and building walls, reaching for anything but the very thing I was created for. I know that God has proven Himself faithful too many times for me to continue to hide in the embrace of my own feelings. I want to feel that way when I was seven, when I wanted to tell the whole world about this brave new life I was stepping into.


It is hard to say whether or not it will always feel like this. I believe I have a special case where I know that sadness and joy can co-exist within my life. No one has ever understood what it was like to feel the way that I do. I think people try to empathize as best as they can and occasionally I will meet someone who gets it. But I don’t know many believers who have depression and still choose to pursue Christ. I want to be the exception, I want others to know that it is possible.


Little by little, the pieces of the puzzle have come together and I have become aware of what is actually happening before my very eyes. And now, I will keep my eyes focused on the things above, never discounting the power of who Jesus Christ is.


Prone to wander, Lord I feel it, Prone to leave the God I love. Here’s my heart, Lord, take and seal it, seal it for thy courts above.


-Emma


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