[ i’ve been too lazy to actually get my ipad and type, so yet another post from my small, rectangle, computer ]
i am so tired. i have finally settled down after three weeks of going, going, going and legitimately only stopping to go to work and wash my clothes. if this is how normal adults live their lives — i’m so sorry.
while i do enjoy being busy, i don’t like feeling like i can’t slow down; and recently, i have felt that exact way. i flew across the country to then come home, work, wash my clothes and go to camp. then i got home from camp one, only to leave for second camp the next day. a girl has missed her own shower, bed, and more than a suitcase for a wardrobe.
the busy has brought good, because i think it has given me a lot of opportunities i didn’t have last summer. it feels like normal life, but really only to a certain extent. it is pretty outside, i feel content, but only really to a certain extent.
the thing that i often do not talk about with my depression is the guilt that weighs on my shoulders.
when the sun is out, but i feel down.
when everyone is smiling, but i feel disconnected.
when the world is asleep, but my mind is wide awake.
when they just want to love me, but i push them away.
when they just want to talk, but i refuse to answer.
when everyone is excited, but i am looming in the depths of my trauma.
these are just a few examples of situations where i feel guilt, where i apologize often, where i wish so desperately i wasn’t sick.
there are aspects of this which i can control. i can control what i choose to think about. i can control where i choose to focus. i can control what i do in these situations. however, none of that is as simple as one may think.
i’ve been trying to work on “reframing my perspective” over the past month or two. it’s a strategy my mom had mentioned, then one my therapist actually taught me to imply. it’s simply the idea that you refocus your thoughts on to the positive or more important things than the monstrous thought you were facing. the issue with this solution is i rarely realize that my thoughts are snowballing until they already have. it’s easy to fix a problem if you can see the starting point — it’s different when you aren’t so sure where it even manifested in the first place.
if you want my honesty, i don’t know when i will be able to counter my thoughts with something more noble. and i don’t know to which extent i will no longer feel guilt about being depressed.
recovery hasn’t been all i thought it would be. i am nine months removed from my hospital stay, yet the thought of those weeks before and weeks after have not gotten any easier. i still dream of the days i spent there. i see the people’s faces everywhere. i remember the names of my fellow patients. i can smell the sanitized scent of the nurses station. i notice things with the same name as the hospital. i say this genuinely when i say that i rarely notice i am doing these things until they are done. most of it has become second nature.
i had a dream last night that i was in the hospital again, with no explanation, with people i knew and some that i didn’t. it has pretty much plagued me all day, because i want nothing more than to move forward from my crisis in september. maybe it will take one year. maybe it will take a 100, but please just know that i am trying with everything in me to really let go of the things i have feared for so long.
the difference between my idea of recovery and my Authors is, well, His is much more promising and fruitful. i have never been a patient person, but Christ has greatly opened my eyes to the beauty of trusting His time and never leaning on my own. the Lords ways are perfect, His timing is priceless, and He has taught me the art of pursuing faithfulness in His righteous ways rather than the wicked ways of man. He has shown me immense grace when my face laid at His feet, because He loved me beyond the emotional and mental scars of being depressed.
psalm 22 says: “but i call to God and the Lord will save me; evening and morning and at noon i utter my complaint and he hears my voice. He redeems my soul in safety from the battle that i wage” i have been uttering a massive complaint for some time now. it isn’t because i want to necessarily be healed of the evil personality depression gives. i don’t want to be sick, but nobody ever does. there is strength in the reality of being mentally ill, because it opens your eyes to a more empathetic way of life, it gives you a heart that cares & understands, it teaches you the rules of never giving up — it becomes part of your mosaic, but never the entire glass window. now, it isn’t like i wake up every morning and sing songs of joy about depression; but, there are many aspects in which i have reframed my perspective without knowing.
Christ, writing, and my cute puppy have become places of rest within my busy. i am still working on that first one; but, He hasn’t left me yet, so i haven’t quit pursuing the comfort of His presence.
tomorrow becomes a new day for me to understand the mercy of Christ. He bore my guilt before i ever had a chance to verbalize it. He gifted me with moments to use my story for His glory. He glued me back together when things felt most broken. He loved the pieces i could not. and i now make it my mission to acknowledge that He can do the righteous within an unrighteous circumstance.
count it all joy my brothers, when you face trials of many kinds. the testing of your faith produces endurance. when i go through deep waters, You are with me. the God of Jacob is our stronghold, our fortress in the mightiest storm.
-emma