I've been listening to a lot of mid-2000s rock lately because it reminds me of a person who taught me a lot about taking care of myself and loving Emma for who Emma is. "Hanging By a Moment" by Lifehouse is a song that I can't seem to shake from my memory. It was on a playlist curated carefully by them. It was the song I listened to on my way home from Raleigh that rainy, September Saturday. Part of me has avoided it because I am holding an odd amount of feelings about it, but I did put it on my March playlist and now I'm starting to think that it was a God wink because here's what the first verse says:
Desperate for changing
Starving for truth
I'm closer to where I started
I'm chasing after you
I try not to dwell on my emotions for too long. I think my mom would testify otherwise, but it has kind of been an unspoken promise to myself to never submerge myself in whatever I am feeling. Most of this promise is between me and my depression-fed feelings like loneliness, anger, regret, and obviously sadness. Other feelings like excitement, fear, and happiness often change for me. As stated in previous blog posts, much of the weightiness I can't seem to shake during this season isn't exactly the same as that which I was feeling even a month or two ago. But, while this is shifting, I have yet to let my grip on specific feelings toward people really get any looser.
Since January of 2020, I have been desperate for change. My number one prayer during 2020 was for God to rid me of things that did not glorify Him or did not ultimately allow to me further the Kingdom of Christ. I turned into a completely different person, yet for the first time in my life, I feel comfortable in my own skin. I gained a new perspective on life, people, and the importance of always fighting. But the thing about all of this change I have been desperate for is the hole in my heart because of some of the people I left behind. And, well, there are some days that I wish they were here with me.
My friend who made the playlist isn't my friend anymore. I wanted so desperately for my change to be his. I wanted his growth to be with mine. I wanted him to be apart of my healing process. But it wasn't part of my plan. He did help put my pieces back together, but it wasn't in the manner in which it needed to be done.
My best friend since Kindergarten isn't my best friend anymore. She has always been my go-to. She has always been my shoulder. She was apart of the healing process. But I have changed so much, and so has she. We just don't go together anymore and I will always love her from my distance because she helped me love myself. If she reads this, I hope she knows how much I miss her.
I suppose my idea was that people who were in this healing process of mine would be there after the fact, too. I didn't have much intention of ridding myself of people I genuinely loved, but His plans aren't mine. My mom told me that just because we have a history with people doesn't mean we can't keep moving. My desperateness for change is not something I would ever make different.
Since my hospital stay, I have been starving for truth. All I wanted were answers and reasons as to why it was all happening and why God was walking through this furnace with me. I have wanted to the facts and statistics of those with depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. I wanted to know the likelihood of "relapsing" self-harm thoughts, the likelihood of having to be in the hospital again, the likelihood of ever getting "better." I have longed to understand how the Lord was going to use this. I have longed to know the greater purpose behind my depression. I have longed to know the truth of who God is and why He uses people in this way.
It has been proven to me over the past four-ish weeks as my Bible Study has been studying Daniel. Last night we read chapter four where Nebuchadnezzar is given the dream about God ridding him of his kingdom so he can learn that the only kingdom worthy of glory is the Kingdom of the Lord. My leader went on to explain that in order to "go up," first we must "go down." She further explained that oftentimes God may let Satan pluck us up and within set boundaries, we will be sifted to prove to Satan that we will never turn our backs on the Creator of the created. Tears welled up in my eyes hearing this being said because I know that it was exactly what I needed to hear. God has been using these trials to sift me of the things and people I needed to let go of a long time ago. I know that it is all cheesy to say because it seems like some lame Christian t-shirt saying, but this was the truth that I have been starving for.
Along with these truths about Christ's power and timing, I have learned much about depression and anxiety. I figured out that my habit to forget comes from the fact that my hippocampus is smaller than people without depression. I figured out that these random "cold shivers" I get are often anxiety tics. I found out that the likelihood of "getting better" is possible, but that does not mean that it will eliminate my depression. I learned that I have to talk to people about my feelings or else it will bottle up into something much worse. Truth be told, I am still desperate for change and starving for truth because there are so many things I am eager about seeing God do. There are plenty of things I miss, a couple of people I miss more than others, and feelings I'm learning to shake. But, I am closer than where I started.
So, I am falling even more in love with You, and letting go of all I've held on to. Forgetting all I'm lacking, completely incomplete, I'll take Your invitation, You take all of me now. I'm falling even more in love with You, letting go of all I've held on to, I'm standing here until You make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with You.
- Emma