I seem to have found myself in somewhat of a catch-22 at this point in my life.
I have struggled with a lot of loneliness over the past year. I believe that in some sense, we all tend to feel lonely in certain aspects of our life. As much as people try to claim they "enjoy being alone," we all just want to be part of something somewhere. I feel it especially in the moments where I think I have finally reached a sense of peace about my circumstances.
I do have friends and people I feel like I can confide in. I have a strong support system, and I have gotten much better at reframing my feelings and thoughts. But, I am feeling immensely lonely in the places I so desperately want to feel accepted.
Church has felt somewhat like this for the past year. It has been on and off, as I navigate and understand where I belong and what I want to do. I feel very strongly as if I have had to grow up very fast over the last 14 or 15 months. I have dealt with a much heavier part of life than most people do my age. I feel closest with adults who are upwards of 15 years older than me because I somewhat identify with the naiveness they, too, lost so long ago. These same relationships aren't manifesting themself in my own youth group.
I have felt somewhat hesitant to talk about these feelings on a public platform because I don't want those who are from my community and church community to get the wrong idea. I greatly love what my church stands for, what they have done for me and my family, the things they have taught and continue to teach others, and the well-chosen leadership they have. I don't talk about my own change in feelings about my youth group/church because someone has done something wrong or because I feel this sense of hatred for what they are doing. I simply want someone to hear my voice as I navigate how to handle my own loneliness.
It does not feel as much of a problem with Christ Himself as much as it does with my own experiences with the people in the church. I became a Christian when I was seven, and I have grown up in the church. I believe that the problem a lot of Believers like I have faced is we often lack a lot of discipleship from those around us because we are so used to being part of this church community that things feel normal to us. The reality of being a Christian is it takes you stepping outside of what you have always known to see that what you believe is absolute Truth. The last year has taught me that other Believers often lack a sense of empathy for the idea that struggling with your journey with Christ is a normal thing to do. I have also noticed how hard it often can be to talk to believers about the hard things because they all just assume that this is our "Job moment."
It isn't anyone specifically or any specific event. It relays itself back to the idea that I can't seem to find my people who understand what I have been dealing with. I think that there are plenty of individuals who understand the struggle I have faced with depression and anxiety. But, I still feel so alone in this continued battle of trying to understand not only who I am, but what Jesus is doing in my life. I have never felt such anger and confusion the way I have felt it with Christ. It has caused me to really pull away from what my church is involved with because being there makes me feel so painfully alone, yet I am still learning and searching for the answers and grace from Christ and from Scripture.
I have tried to discipline myself when I feel like I am blaming God for casting loneliness into my life. I read in a blog post this morning that "[Waiting] is a conscious handing over of your life, what you're working through, and placing it back into the hands of Someone who already has it all figured out," These seasons of loneliness are something I am continually returning back to the hands of Christ because I need His perfect plan to be where I am standing and not with my own strength. I reside often in Habakkuk 3 and have referenced it multiple times here because although what feels like isn't blossoming, the Lord is still doing good work and He is still worthy to be praised.
I am sure that you are at this point in my blog, wondering how this all feels like a catch-22. I feel in a back and forth between my own feelings and the truth of Christ. I have tried, hard, not to remove myself from what my youth group involves itself with, but I don't want to be around and in a situation where I feel as alone as I do there. The bright side of this is that the Lord has already opened doors and I don't feel a hardened heart to find a new place within my church family. I have a hard time not defining my feelings as factual. I feel alone, but that doesn't make it true. I feel like God is growing tired of my constant pleas, but that doesn't make it true.
I know that there is a large part of me that is wishing so desperately for this season of my life to change or be over. There are many moments I am in my car, or on my bed, and I just sit there in these feelings of loneliness and hurt. Even so, I somehow can always sense this other presence near me, almost like the Lord is sitting right there with me.
I do feel more of a longing to run toward Christ's face in the midst of my loneliness as compared to before. It isn't, particularly that I need answers or a large revelation to come about. I more or less just want to find out where I belong and it is taking longer than I was expecting. I am trying to take these moments of hurt and misunderstanding, and the many Wednesday nights or Sunday mornings I watch church from home instead of being there, as my cue to keep going. I don't need to leave the only One who has ever stayed.
"I am sure of this, that I will look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Be strong and wait on the goodness of the Lord!"
Emma