Suicide.
That word often falls stiffly off of my lips, not sure of where it belongs within the conversation. If you want my honesty, it belongs nowhere special. It does not deserve a spot in my life or anyone else’s, yet it always comes crawling back with its devilish schemes.
It makes people around me uncomfortable, perhaps not on purpose, but with a definite intent to sway the topic elsewhere. It is a bad word for most. It is not to be spoken of. Don’t say those words because it will bring up the things we are trying to ignore.
Plaguing the society we are living in, it finds cracks and crevices of hurting people, leading them to believe it is the solution. It is not your friend, or your comforter. It creates a wave of pain, rippling to those who were on the edge but unsure of going forward. It finds the best ways to rear it’s head and overtake the people we care about.
Suicide was often a bad word in my world. Not something we talked about. Never anything we wanted others to know about. It is forbidden ground.
It is uncomfortable until it isn’t. It’s cruel until it sweetens you up. It tears you apart at the seams until it tells you that it will heal your open wounds. It seizes the opportunities to be there when you feel as if your world is mutilated with darkness. It becomes the place to turn once others have pushed you out. First it’s hard, until it gives you every reason as to why that is the easiest solution.
At the end of the day, you will realize that this isn’t your friend. Suicide is not your last resort. Pain is not the answer. It does not deserve for you to succumb to it’s power.
I’d be lying if I said that it isn’t something I still fear. Dying to suicide is truthfully my greatest fear, because there are moments in which my brain does not process the reality of my situation. Sometimes I am so foggy-minded that I can’t really understand how to help myself. I never want suicide to be the reason I cease to wake up.
As stated in my blogpost “The S Word,” suicide made me furiously uncomfortable. If you would like my honesty, my heart is pounding as I type this because it still isn’t something that I have come to 100% terms with. Not that I feel as if we should normalize suicide, but our reactions to it should be more sincere and less “lets sweep this under the rug and hope it doesn’t happen again.” Growing up, in the south especially, we often do not address the hard things. I do not think for one second that it is because we are southern, but rather because oftentimes those of us from the south tend to be a little more close-minded than others from across the nation because of our spiritual beliefs. I have noticed the way talking about things like suicide, sex, drugs, and alcohol makes other believers uncomfortable. Most of the time the situations that occur need more reliance and guidance from fellow believers and not the blanket statements of “God is in control,” and “Just pray about it.” I still haven’t exactly mastered giving Christian-based advice on how to speak about it — suicide that is. I am researching and thinking and trying to consider every aspect of what it means to be both Christian and someone who battles suicidal ideation. If I had one thing to say at this time it would be to not be afraid of talking about the things that make us uncomfortable. Suicide isn’t an easy thing to address, but we as Believers should not cower at the thought of speaking up about our struggles.
The truth of the matter is suicide is real. It was not until I was met face-to-face with the demons of suicide that I began to understand it is much more than just wanting to take your own life. I feel like everyone automataically assumes that suicide means death because that is what it is in the long run. In my experiences with suicidal ideation, it frames itself as an escape. When you live your life in a constant battle with your mind, you will take what you can get to get away from the heartache. Suicide, for me, was never actual death, but rather looked like a pause in time for me to regather the pieces of my broken heart. Unfortunately, suicide is a permanent solution for temporary problems. While it doesn’t fit the same script for each person who has battled it, I know that they would probably all attest to the same testimony that we ache for it to be the healing for pain that is often insurmountable.
It is still a subject I get choked up on because I have sat with it’s demons in the depths of the pit; so, trying to comprehend now the reasons as to why I wanted to know it more intimately — that is a thing difficult for me to understand.
If you want the facts, I recommend going to Mental Health America, America’s Foundation for Suicide Prevention, JED Foundation, Haydens Corner, Project Healthy Minds, and Mental Health Coalition. Some of these are linked at the bottom of my page, if you scroll down until you see “Resources.” I try to keep the numbers in my mind, but I am not a leftbrained person and so they are often things that no longer cross my mind. I like to provide others with these resources so they can begin to understand the affect suicide has on others and see that it’s not something that is getting better. If anything, it has gotten worse.
Over the last year I have learned three important things:
Conversations matter. It is easy to assume that speaking up about it is a simple task. Even if it is something that terrifies you, I encourage you to find someone you trust — preferably someone who is mature enough — and talk about these things that are hard to talk about. You would be absolutely shocked at the amount of people who have dealt with or know someone who has dealt with it personally. Suicide is not a one size fits all situation, but at the same time it is something that more people can relate to than you would know. I will listen if you need someone to talk to. My mom will listen. Please do not bottle these things up.
The world needs someone like you. When suicide is crossing your mind, you automatically assume that the world would be better without you because if you were important then they would notice you in this state. If anything, please know that the world will stop if you leave. Suicide has one of the largest ripple effects than anything else because it entails a much more emotional death. When others commit suicide, it is something I think about for the rest of my life because my heart hurts knowing that they are no longer here. It is not an easy thing to tell someone, but it is so worth reaching out. You are important to so many people, and if you can’t see that now, I promise that it is something that others see. Stay, please.
It does get better. At one point in my life, I believed that every bad day was a reason for me to stop fighting. It does not mean that fighting now is always sunshine and roses, but oh my, the things I would have missed. Sometimes you are sitting in the middle of the healing, wanting to backtrack and afraid of going forward. Keep pushing forward because the Light is there — I promise. When we live our lives in the thought that we can’t push through the hard times, then we ultimately set ourselves up for failure. Even when it feels like you’ve fallen again, or you’re just awkwardly swimming in the middle of the huge ocean, know that the joy you’re reaching toward is there.
When I look back, I see that I would have missed so much good. It isn’t something that makes me sad anymore, but rather makes me feel grateful because I see that the Lord was beginning a good work in me and He will bring it to completion. Furthermore, if you ever feel like you’re fighting alone, know that I am always on the frontlines with you. Mental illness does not disappear when we wake up each morning — it is a constant fight. No, the bad days aren’t forever, but sometimes it feels like they are. It is important to remind yourself that you have made it through every other bad day, so what is this one to you? Do not be afraid to fight for yourself.
Suicide isn’t always something that we understand or can prevent, but I hope that I will lead others to see the importance of speaking out about what is going on.
You are needed. You are loved. You are seen.
Tomorrow needs you.
Reach out. Speak up. Stand tall.
You matter.
Conversations matter.
Be here tomorrow.
Choose to stay.
Emma