When I was around ten or 11, my older brother received his calling to ministry. I won't steal his spotlight, as he has his own platform that you can find linked here. There he has shared much about this experience in being called to ministry and what it is like being a 21st century Christian. Cooper, my older brother, is one of the most insightful people I have ever met. He loves others so well. He cares about others more than himself. He is wise, outgoing, kind, considerate, encouraging, and he is my "evil twin." As I have watched him go through the journey of being called into ministry, I have learned so much about what it means to really shine your light for Christ.
Since I have been diagnosed with depression, I have been searching for niches in which I can fit in. My journey with faith hasn't been an easy one, but I never expected it to be. The difference in this part of my life as compared to last year is I do feel myself responding to the call of Jesus Christ. All of those months I spent running opposite of Jesus, I still felt the tug in my heart to return to Him. God uses the sorrows for good, and for once I feel as if I am seeing that fruit.
I was at an event for church Wednesday night when a woman pulled me aside and said: "God is going to use you. I feel certain that He has a special calling for your life. Even when times are difficult, He does not waste our sorrows & His word never returns void," Huge tears rolled down my face because I felt the arms of Christ around me.
My mom has been telling me for months that I was going to change the world someday. Seeing as she is my mom, I usually just smile big because I hope that I do; but, I also realize that I may just be changing someone else's small world as compared to the entire human race. The art of discerning what God is saying to you is not something that I am good at, yet I do feel a difference this time from others.
So the question becomes: Is the Lord calling me into ministry?
I have been in a battle of truths with God for the last 13 months. Trying to decide between rational and irrational life has been a serious struggle for me. I have pleaded with Christ, asking Him to uncover the truths of my situation. I do feel comfortable in saying that I feel as if I have reached a point of content with knowing God has given me somewhat of a gift through battling my depression.
I am not so sure where my life is going right now. I have been praying and mulling over this for a while now because I didn't want to make any rash comments or announcements about this. The truth of the matter is that the Lord uses even the weakest and feeble people for the glory of His Kingdom. This feeling is not one that I feel because I am surrounded by other believers at church camp and they are playing soft acoustics in the background. I feel as if I have heard the voice of Christ through others around me.
"You have a gift, what you say will save so many lives one day,"
"I know that you are going to change the world one day, Flossie. You are going to do big things,"
"I have been praying for you and thinking of you. I am really proud of you and proud of your faith to keep pushing through the hard days,"
"I can see the way the Lord shines through you. It's true, we should talk about the hard times. Never stop talking about the valleys -- the Lord isn't going to waste what you have to say,"
"You are a very smart young lady, Emma. Keep telling your story. You are wise,"
I don't point these things out because I want to brag about what others have said -- that is not the case at all. As I have said before, I use this platform to understand much of what rolls around in my brain. When I took the time to recall moments where I felt like I had heard the voice of Christ, I began to see His fingerprints in so many of these dark tunnels I have traveled through. I don't have good attention to detail, but when I was remembering the times that felt like time was stopping, I could hear the voice of God telling me that there is something beyond the simplicity of my life.
I have really only recently shared this with my family, so while it doesn't feel like new information for me, I know that it is for others. I will continue to pray to God from where I am at right now. You cannot expect to know if you do not ask. Even if this is not a door the Lord is opening for me, I want to praise Him in the hallways. I think that part of me feels a release from the last year of my life, and so now it is almost that I am wishing for some revelation to happen. Then again, I don't feel a need to seek a huge revival in order for me to feel comfortable in the righteousness of God's plan for my life.
Perhaps it will be answered tomorrow, or in five years, or never. Regardless of the outcome of these questions, I know that the Lord is going to use me. I don't have to know the entire plan right now. I enjoy using this space to explain the hurt and the recovery, the redemption, the confusion, the majesty, the reality of my life. If this is where I am meant to be, I know that the Lord is going to use me.
And so I will seek still, clinging to the goodness of Jesus.
- Em