Have you ever felt like a stranger within your own mind?
That is how I am feeling lately because, well, I didn’t have much of a plan for this season of my life. I am not one to do things by the book, nor do I have a set in stone plan for what I want to do daily. Through my months of recovery, I lived most days in survival mode because I was trying to comprehend what it means to go day to day with a battle in your mind. When I had bad days, they were often bad weeks that would turn into bad months. I was co-dependent upon my then boyfriend, so much so that I look back and kick myself for not being more grateful for what he did for me. I had essentially deemed this time of my life as an unattainable goal. This is definitely the largest “expect the unexpected” I have found myself in.
I mean it genuinely when I say that happiness is not something I was prepared for. I have always been “happy.” Life growing up was simple and sweet. I became a Christian at seven years old and so Christ-like joy was something I always wanted to obtain. I don’t think that it is necessarily that I don’t understand happiness, or that I have never felt it before, but rather that I forgot how to handle it. I feel like a stranger to something that has always been my friend. I feel awfully undeserving.
No one particularly prepared me for what recovery would bring. I knew it would always be somewhat of a back and forth situation, where I wasn’t always positive of the outcome; but, I never expected for the good things to be difficult too. Happiness and excitement about life was what I wanted for so long that I almost psyched myself out of the very thing I was fighting so hard to reach.
Now, don’t get me wrong — I have still found a lot of happiness during this wavering season of healing. There have been more positive than negative moments. I haven’t given up on what it would mean to be happy and accept happiness fully. However, re-teaching myself how to be welcoming of happiness is not any easy thing to do. The reality is that no matter how undeserving I feel of these feelings, I do deserve it.
As it is written in James: “Count it all JOY my brothers when you face trials of all kinds, for this produces steadfastness,” The beautiful thing about the power of Christ is He is the same in the rain as He is in the sun. I read something yesterday that said often we expect God to be our umbrella or even provide us with an umbrella when we’re being taken over by the rains of defeat. Truthfully, He just wants us to take on the rain with Him. Even if He never provides us with an umbrella, we should be rest assured that He is doing and completing a good work.
When those of us who battle depression are brought happiness, we find as many ways possible to turn it sour. That bad trait of mine is the reason some of my friendships and relationships have been ruined, because I was the one who found it virtually impossible to be grateful for the goodness of whatever was happening. If I could give a piece of advice to anyone, it would be to smell the roses. So often do we become consumed with whatever we don’t have or the reality that we will never be better. This is all so painfully false, because the Lord has given us the ability to dance even within our mourning. I can’t stand anecdotal sayings about choosing happiness, but sometimes we have to be stern with ourselves and do that very thing. I often choose blue or melancholy feelings because it is what I know. It is comfortable and simple and doesn’t ever require any extra assistance. But those are the very things that sent me spiraling and I don’t wanna be back there.
I’d also encourage you to pour into yourself. I have spoken about this multiple times, but being there for yourself is a necessary thing to do — even more necessary if you are battling mental illness. I’m upset that I feel like I couldn’t be the right person for others and I am upset that leaving is often easier for me than trying to fix it all. Yet, I see that it is always the right decision in the end. It has been roughly a month since I broke up with my boyfriend, but there are days that my heart still aches because I knew there were things I could have done to make the relationship healthier and better. Regardless of how I feel about specific situations, the Lord will always use things in the correct manner. We have people made for specific seasons of our lives, and whether or not I am wanting to accept that reality, it is the hard cold truth. I do, thankfully, know that things do get better with time so I have no doubt that pain won’t be as common as I think.
I am still reaching toward and redrawing my life into a brighter picture. Being happy about the things beyond my circumstance is not a simple task; yet, I do not worry about my abilities to fight and reach for something that I want. Healing isn’t always happy go lucky, but there are a lot more bright spots than we expect there to be. Even when we find the thousands of reasons as to why we don’t deserve love, happiness, or peace, the Lord deems us abundantly worthy of that and much more. He gives us more than what we need which proves that we are worthy of even the most difficult times in our life. This doesn’t mean that He can’t use us when we’re suffering, though. John 9:3 is a perfect example that the glory of the Lord will be seen throughout the pain or problems we face. Even when Rachel and Leah were fighting and clawing at what they wanted to happen, the Lord’s righteousness was there for all to see.
So, it then becomes your choice. Will you continue to stand as a stranger in your own mind or will you smell the roses? Will you remind yourself that you deserve love and grace regardless of what has happened? If there is one thing certain it is that Christ is the same in the valleys and on the mountain tops. He will show us the times in which we deserve the things we express so willingly to others — love, grace, peace.
It’s been a long 13 months. I think it is time I allow myself to deserve Christ-like joy, and to accept the happiness accordingly. I think it is time I smell the roses. I deserve it.
Emma